I heard a word today and it makes sense to me. Atonality. Music without a tonal center. Even though this has to do with music, it reminds me of myself. In a weird twisted way.
Can you be in love even if jealousy consumes you randomly on a regular basis?
Doesn't that mean the trust isn't where it should be? I shouldn't wonder if he's wishing he was with her instead.
At the same time, he's all but said I love you. He's said he feels it, he just isn't sure I'll say it back. And I don't know if I would. I feel things, strong things, for him. But is it love?
Also, why do I feel like there is a deadline? After all, what is there after I Love You? Happily ever after doesn't happen very often these days.
I need some sort of confermation from this guy...does he or does he not like me??? Im so confused because he saends me mixed signals...and im worried that i really might like him a lot...
this morning it was storming and he sent me a text at 6:55 saying that "all this racket reminds me of you".....hello mixed signal!!!!!!
last night he looked kinda bummed at the party and he didnt talk much to me...even though he was the reason i was at the party...
I spent the night at my new guy friends house...and he invited me to a concert... college confuses me...i need to sleep and if Im gonna go to this concert I have to not let people influence my eating habits...gonna be 115 in one 1/2 weeks....thats my goal...and i can do it...gotta stay strong....
I thought we would make it...we were different...special somehow...nothing could touch us...we would have a life together. We wanted the same things...wanted to get out and be successful...wanted same number of kids...everything...I really really thought we would be the ones to survive... So why did it change so quickly? Why did I end it? Why could't I feel anything for him when he was here? I hate myself for hurting him. I wish more than anything that I could have pretended it was all ok...That I could have stayed kinda happy so he could be happy. I never want to hurt him. He has been nothing but perfect from the beginning and I feel like Ive broken his heart....
What the hell is wrong with me...I have everything I want...Why can't my heart figure out it has it so great...and if it did now, its too late...I hate myself...I feel like crying and cutting, which I haven't done in forever....fuck me....Im so fucking screwed up inside...
Ana, My life is crumbling around me. I dont even know what way is up or what I really want anymore. Im hurting inside and nothing makes sense anymore. Except you. You are giving me this opportunity to be perfect, and all I have to give you is everything. Im ready now. Im back from where I was four years ago and Im ready for a fresh start. Ill do anything. Help me make things right and you can have it all. Ill push myself and give you my soul. Just make evrything right again. Im sorry I doubted you. Im sorry I lost you along the way. But now Im ready to commit to you again, because Im too scared to commit to anything else. Save me, Ana. I need you more than ever.
But now Im back and I have the control again! No more eating like a regular person... no more purging everyday either...sigh...its a never ending uphill battle... I got cast in a show beofre break and now I have to get measured for costumes right after a week of having to eat with my family. I only gained 3 pounds, but still....gross!!! And its gonna take twice as long to lose it :(
Plus, I now get to write 4 pages of a 7 page paper due tomorow...
I want my fucking bf to want to see me. He is 30 minutes away and does not even bother to see me. And he knows i had a sucky week and he wont even drop by to say hi...fuck him. Im ready to make him my anything and im not anything to him....he doesnt give a shit...
So I went home this weekend and despite eating A LOT I obnly gained 3 pounds...not even... So now I have two weeks to get ready for spring break...2 weeks=10 pounds....Here I go again!
Why do I have such an amazing boyfriend? He MADE me truffles for valentines day. MADE THEM! So I can't throw them away....Im only having one if I have been amazingly good all day...and Im sharing....but damn, he is so sweet for making them for me....
I ate at Olive Garden with my boyfriend last night...pasta, bread, salad....I had to eat around him because a few eeks ago I mentioned I was hungry cause I hadnt eaten a meal in a few days while drunk....stupid move....
So now i am 137.....shoot me please..some days I wish there was a magic knife I could just cut all my fat off with....
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